I'm just so...I guess the word is tired. I'm tired of my position with Guide Dogs right now. And I'm tired of really not being able to do anything about it.
I know that not raising a puppy full time is good for me. Really I do. And if I didn't I could find a way around it. So, let's not confuse my tiredness with angry or frustrated or even unhappiness. I'm enjoying my break from raising full time and I'm happy with being a boarder. And I more than love my Frankie-boy! If I were raising full time I wouldn't be able to spend time with my Frankie! But, there are times when I want a puppy of my own around to motivate me to do better or to make me feel like I'm worth something or just to have anything life form around in the house that can't talk or make me feel bad about myself. I know that sounds like I'm unhappy, but these instances are far and few between. I guess I'm not really tired of position with Guide Dogs. What I'm really tired of is feeling these momentary lapses of judgement where I think, "Raising a full time puppy! Now there's a good idea!" For those of you out there who are one a break right now, do you feel them too sometimes? I have to admit, if my landlord hadn't said specifically no full time puppies I probably would have broken down by now. Haha! It's funny to think that all of my strength is coming from a piece of paper I signed.
As for my puppy group, I love being in charge of the facebook page. Publicity is as big a part of puppy raising groups as anything else. How else would we get people to come to our fund raising events? I really feel like I've helped a little when I work on the facebook page. So that's not the problem. The problem is that this summer I came home and someone from the group asked me, "So, have you raised a puppy before." *shocked face* It totally took me for a loop and I almost wanted to shout, "Has no one been talking about me?!" Haha! I suppose that's my own vanity, but still...I was slightly taken aback by the question. And there lies the problem. I feel almost like a stranger when I get back. Everything and everyone is new. This summer really wasn't too bad because Alicia was there and we went to school together so there was more to talk about than just puppy raising and she knew all of my pups.
And it's not like I don't like meeting new people and bragging about my past puppies to them. I really, really do. But I kinda feel like an old lady. *In old lady voice* "When I started puppy raising you had to have special permission from your CFR to use the food protocol. And not every puppy had to wear the gentle leader." In some cases I'm also confused. *continues in voice* "What is the new fangeled idea?" Haha! I don't think I'm allowed to feel old at this age.
I do think that being involved with GDBA here has caused some of the confusion. I'll be standing there telling the pups, "Busy busy!" before I realise that that's NOT their command to go to the bathroom. Or I'll say "left!" and wonder why a puppy who's older than a year doesn't know their directions yet...and then I realise we don't teach them that in the states. *face palm* I did feel pretty bad for Crescent a few times those first few hours together when I got a little agitated before I realised it was me and not her.
I guess what I'm feeling is scared. In two years I have to make the decision to stay here or go back to the states. At the moment, the states is winning just based on the fact that there is nothing keeping me here (which I'm really hoping some people out there are happy about). Now you might be thinking that two years is a long time away. But let me remind you that I've been in Scotland for two years and they've gone by at light year speed. And if I go back to the states and start raising again...will I have to start from scratch? Will we have stopped using the word 'sit'?! What if we start training ponies!? So much can happen and I don't want to be the little, old lady who uses techniques from the past.
I kinda want this feeling of scared to go away. I don't think it will. But I'd at least like it to stop manifesting itself in my feelings towards Guide Dogs. I know what I'm feeling when I sit down and think about it, but when the feelings are fleeting it's hard to tell the difference between "scared of the real world" and "I just want a puppy". I suppose I'm tired of feeling scared.
Grown ups out there...did you guys feel scared when you were nearing entering the real world and did you try to stay a child by hanging onto something that you had done when you were younger?
I hope that this wasn't a downer for anyone. I've just suddenly realised that I am graduating in less than two years and then I'll be a real live grown up. I guess...at least Hilly will be there for me. *smiles*